Thursday, July 30, 2015

An Update

It's been a somewhat disappointing year thus far. I've made an executive's salary and I would be fine even without trading for the rest of the year, but the figure is underwhelming when compared to my numbers from last year. I guess anything can happen in 5 months but knowing who I am and how my results have trended, I am skeptical. I'm dealing with burnout right now--struggling to maintain the same level of passion and fire that I once had for trading.

When I first felt this way around late February, it was just a matter of not wanting to push my risk tolerance or spend too much time studying the market. I would settle for "comfortable" position sizes, consistent profits, low-stress trades, and maybe a day off here and there. This is a normal cycle and often a way to cope with the stress of pushing oneself as a trader--increasing risk and having to endure more volatile swings. I also stopped caring about tweeting/blogging and interacting with others in the trading community. What's different now is that I barely even want to show up and make my usual low-stress 1-2k a day. At the moment, it's just not that gratifying to tune myself into the process. 

A good day used to be that spark plug that would get the motor running again after a stretch when I was feeling a bit low. It's not working out that way anymore. I've had 2 +$4k days in the past 2 weeks (I don't even know how I managed to make that much, I made impulsive decisions for size and it worked out) since returning from a 10 day vacation and I've followed up both days with underwhelming, sluggish, low volume, low intensity, low profit, end-early trading days. Today, I placed a couple trades in the first 15 minutes, closed them out for about $100, then crawled back into bed.

Right now I'm just trading "part time". I come and go as I please. If it "doesn't feel right" when I wake up, I take the day off. When I do manage to wake up before 8am, I fritter my time away reading r/nba and watching youtube videos rather than doing my homework to develop trade ideas. I end a lot of days early, regardless of meeting any profit benchmark. It's not exactly what you would call "professional" and hardly a recipe for success.

I'm not a hedonist by any means. I don't see my life as one where I live moment to moment, only seeking to do what is comfortable and gratifying in the short-term without any long-term vision. I don't see myself as a daytrader who gets out of bed 15 minutes before the bell, scalps $1000 on the open, and then leaves to go to the beach for the rest of the day. I have a sense of responsibility to be the best that I can be--or at least I used to. I have greater ambitions--or at least I thought I did. I feel guilty that this is happening--that I'm letting this happen. I'm too fortunate to have found a calling and developed a real skill so early in my adult life, without even having to endure much adversity (in a business known for treacherous ups and downs at the getgo) and here I am, maybe, kinda/sorta pissing the opportunity away. It's not like I'm doing anything better with my time. There's no greater calling that I'm yearning to reach out for. I should just do my fucking job.

I guess it's better than losing money.

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