Thursday, September 24, 2015

I suck at trading and lost some money recently.

I'm posting this short little note to try to make sure I actually follow through in finishign a new post today.

Long story short
I'm bleeding money like a dum-dum the past 3 trading days--a total loss of 9% of my year's net profits so far and the largest drawdown my personal account has ever endured. 

It sucks.

A big sum of the loss was from 2 weeks ago before I went on vacation. Then I came back and spewed some more 2 days ago. That was the "breakout day" for me, a new personal record for  "largest drawdown" point. I shut all my platforms off and decided to write to occupy the time and take my mind away from all the losing. I have a 5 paragraph draft in my folder just sitting there that I decided not to post because it's too angsty and melodramatic--I get uncomfortable when the tone of my writing gets too emotional.*
*We all feel like shit at one point or another when we trade. It's not that interesting in and of itself. Fucking a, even in a placeholder note that I'm going to delete anyway has a fucking footnote, I'm gonna stop

After I taking Wednesday off, I decided to donate more today. Apparently, I've forgotten how to trade and lost the ability to make to money or something like that. 

It really sucks. This is me right now.


Okay, now I have to attend a non-profit event for the next couple hours, smile, turn on the charm, and pretend I'm a professional in the field of finance who keeps his calm and knows what he's doing. Will finish the post when I'm back.

CONTINUATION OF BLOG POST


I don't know what to think. Trading is not cutting for me at the moment... wasn't "one that got away from me" but millions of small mistakes magnified by trading size.

If I have one key trait, it's that I can cut loose quickly. Not a trait honed out of any greater discipline, but mostly born out of my neurotic personality that dislikes pain. But the past few days, I couldn't give up trading my worst tickers and I couldn't give up trading size in an effort to make back the prior loss. Heck, I still haven't learned my lesson. I'm overnighting a position on a losing ticker with a lot more size than I usually take.

I haven't reached that "this isn't worth it and I'm not ready for this" moment yet--that yearning for relief and subsequent unbundling of stress. That moment where I decide to scale down, re-dedicate to consistency, avoid tilt, and grind.

In the heat of battle, sometimes I do get away with it. I'd be up 2k, suddenly fuck up and be down 2k in minutes, then "guide it back" to 1-2k. Whew no more of that... That's probably why these impulsive trading moments keep happening.

I ask myself, right now, what I'm trying to do

Profits and Losses
So remember I wrote this post

I started increasing position size since that post even though I went on this long spiel about how much I hate looking at the other traders' pnl and how I sometimes respond to it by ramping up my risk across the board. Every play, every lot executed--more size. This is such an intense topic for me that I'm actually jealous of those "dreamer" types who feel inspired by looking at the profits of others. It's given me so many negative experiences.... yet I did it again.

Well, here we are, more than a month later... and I'm trading worse than ever. Maybe it's related, maybe it's not.

The Edge
Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge after losing. I still believe I'm a profitable trader but at *that moment*, I don't feel can't trust myself to access that part of myself... which will lead to a lot of broken promises and broken trading plans. So I contemplate taking a break.

Take a hiatus. 
Stop for the rest of the week/month/year. 
Why keep doing this thing that causes so much pain and discomfort?

Not that it necessarily helps, because I took a 10 day vacation in Vietnam and donated $8k on Tuesday...

I want to and I don't want to take breaks. There's 2 reasons why I feel so much reluctance.

1) Losing an essential part of my life: I'm not doing my job. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be good at. I'm not fulfilling my destiny. I might lose my self-respect. What will I do to fill the void? Yeah I could write more, work out more, read more, but do I have the discipline? Or will I just wallow in self-pity, sit on the couch, and watch TV all day like a loser? That has happened all too often.

2) Financial worries: This one is kinda silly. 

At the beginning of the year, I was plush with excess cash--cash I didn't need to maintain sufficient trading capital. So I decided to expand my horizons and find alternative investments--like angel investing and VC. I invested some seed capital in a couple startups. Then an unforseen opportunity come along. I got to invest in AirBnB through employee stock sale at a 15b valuation (now valued at 25b on its latest round). That deserves its own post. I poured so much money into it that I actually needed to ask someone for a loan to cover my taxes so I didn't have a shortfall in trading capital. I haven't been the best trader since that point though. I got bills, next year's taxes, and that loan to cover. So I'm worried I'll only make X amount which would leave me with Y trading capital and I don't know if that's enough for me to take max positions in all 3 of my accounts...

Yeah that's my worry. Silly.

Gratitude
I mean, I guess I need to be grateful that that is what drives me to worry financially. Not kids, not making rent... but making sure I meet this arbitrary (probably conservatively high) threshold of cash for my business at a future date.

I have all these silly anxieties that get in the way of appreciating the fortunate life I've been given. I know it too and I don't know how to fix this defunct part of my brain. This is why spend so much money on a therapist.

He tells me the antidote to all the jealousy and anxiety is gratitude. I made a list of the most important things to be grateful for, like friends and family. I also try to find a small thing to be grateful for each day; it can be as minor as nice weather in a winter month. It kinda helps...

German words
For...

The compulsive act of calculating how much deeper you're in the hole if you take the next stop out
That desire to not take any profit until you reach a break even (or some other key PnL point in your head)
That feeling of getting back into a trade at a much worse price and not knowing whether it's a good instinct call or overtrading...
That feeling of withdrawing money from an account to to pay for life but not having made anything recently to cover the debit.

I can't take much more of this. I'm too tired to even edit my all-over-the-place writing, I'll do it tomorrow...